Double Feature: Road Warriors followed by Thelma and Louise

I’m on the homeward stretch from Brimfield and lounging on the bit of floor not packed with antiques in the back of Brandon’s van. I’m down to about 2 dollars and completely worn out. I won't be in bed until 3am. My husband's a saint to drive an hour to come get my sorry ass. This life is scarily like that of a carnie or a drug dealer cross bred with truck drivers. The people drawn to this business are some of the smartest and craziest people I've ever met. Oh the stories I could tell, the book I should write! We are all road warriors. In fact I quite literally built my business buying stuff on the side of a highway and I am compelled to tell you about the best friend and sidekick I made in the process. I found Lisa McQueen 16 years ago at the Ann Arbor show selling this outrageous architectural stuff, a baby at her breast. She lives in Indiana 7 1/2 hours from me and agreed to meet halfway on I-69 whenever there were goods to be had. For years we’d meet at some exit or other, park at a random lot and proceed to unload her packed truck of wares. I figured any woman that no nonsense that thinks nothing of unloading 10 times her weight in iron is my kinda woman. We’ve been best friends ever since. Despite our many similarities, it’s our differences that crack us up. I’m the shop girl who hates to do shows, she’s the show girl who won't have a shop. And yet I’m the one who talks like a truck driver and she’s the one with hair and makeup done. She shakes her head at the dirty industrial stuff I lug in, I roll my eyes at the crystals and bows. The tie that binds is our unrelenting energy and drive, a raunchy sense of humor and the ability and desire to stir up dangerous trouble. Dealing in antiques is a physical business. Doin' a show can mean 14 hour days starting before sunrise and schlepping heavy stuff until sunset, selling to people all the while. You gotta be on your game, ready to wheel and deal in a fast gambler's game involving a lot of cash. We do it because we think being adrenalin junkies in love with stuff is a good way to make a living (hmmmmmm). Well it sure can be a lot of fun. It's easy to have fun when you do what you love, but there's fun and then there's Lisa and Marisa's idea of fun... We think we're Thelma and Louise. We think we are hilariously funny. (It get's worse)We think we're 25...(ok now that we are collectively 50, make that 30ish). Got the picture? Start cringing; it's been known to draw a crowd. I know you know what this crowd looks like. Any sensible adult knows to step away. Sooo not how we roll. All it takes for us is a pocket full of money and a decent night's sleep and we are ready to start the party. Take that one night in Atlanta, a town Lisa knows well, well sort of. We step out dress to kill and to hear this healthy lookin' African American woman belt out some seriously get down and dirty blues. Can we help it if the 25 year old cuties want to dance with the two shameless middle-aged broads? Hell no! Here's where you should really look away. Now it's 2am and we've been asked nicely to leave. This round I'm Louise and I gotta pull Brad PItt off Thelma. We dump the drunk baby Brad and his car at his house and now we gotta find our hotel, "I know exactly where we are..." Thelma can't find her you know what with both hands and guess what? We are out of gas and I got the surprise "visitor" and no provisions. Naturally it's 3am and of course our trusty navigator has managed to find the only gas station open with 2 squad cars at the pump. While, we're no liquor boxes, we're sure not looking like angels. Is Lisa worried? Heck no! She's laughing her head off cause I'm the one who has to stare down the cops all standing inside at the counter. Are the unmentionables on the shelf like any other convenience store? Nooooooo...they've got 'em like playboys behind the bullet proof glass and I get to ask for them... I swear to God, you can't make this shit up. No we did not drive over a cliff, like a couple of movie stars. No, this is the movie where we'd wish you'd leave now. These stars are gonna have to get up in 3 hours and face another day of selling and as usual, neither one of them can find their sunglasses...